Reasons to have kids.

1. It will make your parents happy.

2. It will make the holidays a little less awkward.

3. There will be someone else around to clean the pool/ mow the yard.

4. That’s it.

Reasons to get married.

1. It will make your parents happy.

2. People won’t wonder if you’re gay.

3. The holidays will be a little less awkward.

4. That’s it.

It’s OK to be single.

Really, it is. Think about it. Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. Marriage is a coin toss and if you lose, you lose half your shit. I was talking to some guy who got divorced and he said he pays 5000 a month in child support and alimony—after taxes. In other words, he has no money for himself. No money for food, rent or beer. He’s in debt up to his ass and he has a good job.

And of that 50% that stays married, I think a good portion are just sticking it out because divorce would be a pain in the ass.

Kids? You really don’t need them. Most people have kids because they think they can nurture them to greatness. They can’t. Everyone thinks their kid will grow up to be someone great. No one likes to think their kid will grow up to work in Burger King. Chances are, your kid will probably disappoint you.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being married or having kids. I’m just saying, they’re not all they’re cracked up to be.

I’m just saying, there’s nothing wrong with being single.

I hate when people say, “You’re still single.”

Your band sucks

I’m sorry but you guys do. I know I told you different when I saw you guys playing at that bar the other night but I was lying and so was everyone else. I showed up as a favor to our mutual friend. The hot chick we’re both trying to get with. And so were the 12 other dudes who showed up to watch you play. Did you notice how no one showed up except your friends and family? That’s because you guys are not very good. If it makes you feel better, most local bands aren’t very good. Writing a song is hard. I know you think all of your songs are great and we’re just a stupid mainstream audience who doesn’t get it. You’re wrong. You don’t get it. And the inside jokes you told in between songs “This is a song we wrote after an incident in Mexico.” They didn’t make you look cool. And did you notice how half of your audience went to get a beer after the third song and never came back? Yup. Time to give up the dream. And that slow song you dedicated to the girl. Yeah, I’m going to stop now.

Never, never, never, never take a date to the clubs/bars.

Take her to the movies. Take her out to dinner. Take her to a museum. Don’t take her anywhere where alcohol and dudes are present. I don’t think I’ve ever taken a girl to a bar/club and had it end well. 

One night ended with my girlfriend talking to some dude and then causing a big scene and flipping out when she found innocent pictures of girls in my camera. They were taken at the office holiday party. Just girls wearing red sweaters and smiling.

One night ended with a girl puking on the dance floor and being escorted out by bouncers.

One night ended with a girl drinking too much and being a bitch.

One night ended with a girl getting me into a fight with some guy.

Never, never, never, never take a girl to the clubs/bars. I’m going to print this out and put it on my wall. Because tonight, there’s a drunk girl passed out in my bed. She pulled the abdominal snowman earlier tonight. Remember the Bugs Bunny cartoon? “I will love him and squeeze him and name him George…”

She was like that.

Never.

Downward Spiral

Does this sound familiar?

“This place is dead, let’s go to ____________”

“This place is too crowded, let’s go to____________”

“It’s a sausage party here, let’s go someplace else.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know, let’s go back to________. It’s probably picked up by now.”

“This town sucks, every bar here is lame. We need to go to _________.”

Instead of making excuses, step up to challenges. Don’t blame the environment, accept it and move on. Don’t avoid the problem, solve it. You may not win, but you’ll come out smarter/stronger.

Relax

Seriously, just relax. Take a deep breath. Feel better? When you’re out in the field trying to pickup, you need to relax. If a girl is talking to you and in the back of your head you keep saying “Don’t screw this up! Don’t screw this up!” Guess what? You’re going to screw this up because you’re to busy listening to your inner voice instead of the girl. If you play it too safe, she could get bored “Where do you go to school? Where do you work? Do you like it?” Yawn. Don’t be afraid to ask questions that might turn her off. Pretend to be a reporter getting to the bottom of the story. If you blow it, no big deal. You live. You learn. You move on. No one has ever died from rejection. And if you do get rejected, chances are it’s not being filmed so it won’t end up on YouTube.

Asshole infestation

I was having a good time last night enjoying a few cocktails with friends until 11 o’clock. It turned into the asshole hour. The bar just filled up with asshole dudes. I had to make my way through a crowd to get to the bar so I could pay my tab. I as I politely excused myself through the crowd, I get an elbow shove. I figured it was just some asshole. As I keep making my way through, I get more shoves. One time I said “Excuse me.” The guy says “ugh, excuse me” in a mocking “I’m going to make fun of you for wanting to get through” tone. When I confronted one guy, he pretended like nothing happened. Not only were these guys assholes, they were pussies too. I expect to run into assholes every now and then, but last night was asshole infested. There should have been a warning sign. Maybe an asshole repellant. I don’t know.

Girls who ask you to buy them a drink

When I meet a girl at a bar and she suggests I buy her a drink, it’s the equivalent of a guy walking up to a girl and asking if she wants to fuck. When a girl suggests you buy her a drink, walk away. She also suggesting that she’s a gold digger, that she has no class and she will leave after the drink is purchased. So when a girl asks you to buy her a drink say “Oh, you need a drink? Me too. I’ll have bud light (or whatever you’re drinking).”

Use humor with caution

Yes, you’re funny. But if you seize every opportunity to do your Christopher Walken impersonation you’ll come across as needy. You’ll look like you’;re trying too hard for approval. Humor is like a shot of Tequila. Just a shot or two and you’ll be fine. When girls say they want a guy with a sense of humor – they’re lying.